I just began...

a long-winded and pathetically whiny post about how bad this year has sucked and how tough I am for getting through not only this year but all the trials and tribulations of my life and so on and so on and blahblahblah.

I deleted it before I finished.

As many of you know, I haven't been writing because life has gotten in the way. As much as I KNEW that I have to keep taking care of myself (and writing, for me, is part of that)...I had to actually DO it or I'm no help to anyone.

For about a month or so now, I've been doing it. I've been logging my food religiously. I've been wearing my Bodybugg and making a point to move a little bit more every day. I've been making the doctor's appointments I need to make to get the random broken bits and pieces of me fixed so I can function without physical pain. I have NOT been obsessive. I have NOT made it an all or nothing situation.

I am changing my life, permanently, for the better, one step at a time and it is WORKING! The pounds that piled back on while I was drowning myself in my food addiction in response to uncontrollable (Hi. My name is Naomi and I AM a CONTROL FREAK!) situations in my life are starting to come off again. They aren't coming off at a record pace, but the scale is showing a lower number each week.

The world around me hasn't changed. Life is still incredibly stressful, but I am learning to respond to it in a healthier way. I am also learning to look past all the crap and appreciate the good. It's a challenging path, but I'm rising to meet it and my ass seems to be falling a little behind. ;)

I just read back...

through the past year and change of my blog posts.

I was initially shocked and dismayed to see how many times I have REstarted my journey. I have gotten highly motivated, had some success, had some sort of set-back, (be it illnesses or injuries or whatever)...and then started the whole process again.

Right now, part of me is figuratively smacking myself on the forehead saying, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Why aren't you THERE yet??!!" There are so many television shows nowadays where I can watch people making amazing physical transformations in relatively short periods of time. I'd list them all, but it's really irrelevant and if you're sharing this journey with me, you probably know them all too well. You might be asking yourself the very same questions. Why aren't we "THERE" yet?

I can say, definitively, that I'm not there because I've been self-sabotaging. I have been allowing my ass to take the lead in stressful and painful life situations. It IS easier to sit down with the chips and salsa and vegetate than it is to get up and deal with what's going on around me. Taking the easy path won't get me where I ultimately want to go, but it is easy.

With all that being said, I've decided to give myself credit for all the REstarts. Being a REstarter is much better than being a quitter.

Hi! My name is...

Naomi and I'm addicted to food.

Isn't admitting you have a problem the first step in recovery?

Well, I've KNOWN that I've had a food addiction for quite a while now. Just like the worst heroin junkie or the biggest drunk, when life isn't going according to "plan" or stress gets to be overwhelming or I'm just plain bored, I tend to look first to my drug of choice, food, for the solution. When I'm upset about something and start eating, I can actually feel a physical release. It's almost like there is only so much room in my body...and it can either be full of negative emotions or food...but not both at the same time.

Those of you that struggle with the same issue KNOW exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't get it, don't try to understand. Just be thankful that this particular issue isn't yours.

I've been in what I can only describe as a state of mourning for the past few months. No, nobody I know died. Sadly, for the time being, however, I've lost them just the same. In order to avoid dealing with the current reality of this situation, I've been eating myself into a state of nearly catatonic oblivion. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true.

A couple of things happened recently that I think are setting me back on the right path (assuming I was ever on it in the first place.)

1. While browsing through one of the many magazines I inherit on a monthly basis from my Mom, I came across an article about food addiction. In the article, they recommended a book. I ordered it for my Sony Reader (like a Kindle or Nook). I was surprised to realize that the author apparently has complete access to my every thought.

Check it out: www.shrinkyourself.com

2. Someone recently gave me an invaluable piece of advice regarding the depressing situation I've been dealing with. In a nutshell, they explained to me that I had two choices. Since I can't "fix" anyone's problems besides my own, I can either sacrifice myself to the dungeon of WAITING TO PICK UP THE PIECES of another person's broken life, or I can start living my own life to the best of my abilities.

I've chosen to start living my life again. It's cliche, but I can't truly be around to pick up pieces if I shatter myself in the meantime.

I believe that it's time to get back to work shattering the fat cells in my ass instead.

Well, heck...it's time...

to fess up. My fortieth birthday came and went with a whimper instead of a bang. Needless to say, I did NOT reach my goal by the big day as I'd intended. I surely would have been here, tooting my own virtual horn and posting TONS OF PICTURES, if I'd made it.

Instead, for the past few months, I've been tumbling down the hill of my food addiction...gathering speed and mass along the way. I don't know if snowballs do that in reality (they certainly do in cartoons!)...but that's me right now. I am the tumbling snowball.

Every snowball needs a push to get moving down the hill. There are things that are appropriate to share in this forum and things that aren't. The thing that pushed me is one of the things that isn't appropriate to share. Suffice it to say that the best piece of advice I received recently came from my brother. It was a reminder that when an airplane loses cabin pressure, the parents are supposed to put on their own oxygen masks BEFORE helping their kids with theirs. Such a thing is easier said than done.

It's taken me a couple of months to realize that I'd really better get my mask in place before I run out of air. While my addiction would prefer to respond to stress by sitting on the couch, lost in "reality" television, mindlessly shoving whatever is handy down my throat, it's time for my MIND and my BODY to take charge again.

If I had stayed on track, I'd be back in my size 4 jeans by now. Instead, I'm busting out of the 14s! I know it could be worse, but it's a slap in the face for certain. Eating crap and not getting to the gym does NOT make me feel good...mentally or physically. I NEED to feel good about myself in order to help those around me.

The snowball can't stop its tumbling descent down the hill on its own. It either reaches the bottom or crashes into an obstacle that blocks its path. I'm lucky enough to be more mindful (at least some days!) than a snowball. I can put on the brakes and stop my own fall. I'm also blessed enough to have friends and family that are more than willing to reach out and catch me on the way down.

The climb back up begins now.

Climbing burns calories and tightens up those booty muscles too...so it's definitely a win-win for me and a lose-lose for Ass!