Friday, August 27, 2010

Less than a week...

and counting...and I'll be on the road back to fat camp in Utah! Can you believe it? I can't. It seems like I just left there a few minutes ago. My knees are starting to ache at the very idea of living through "intervals!" I'm going to play it smart this time, though. I learned a lesson the hard way on my last trip and I'm not going to try to undo half a decade worth of french fries and chips and pints of ice cream during one morning of boot camp. First of all, IT CAN'T BE DONE!!! Secondly, getting injured sucks and just makes this process take all that much longer. See? I might be a slow learner, but I can be taught!

What do I have left to do before I go?

According to my doctor, I need to REST so I don't get any more sick than I've been.

Remember the mountain of clothes I cleaned out of my closet? I'm ashamed to admit that they're STILL in the dining room...gathering dust and waiting to be inventoried so I can give them to charity. I need to take care of that.

I need to clean house so it's not a TOTAL disaster when I get home...or at least so I feel better about leaving. My husband tends to keep things more neat than I do so I really don't have to worry too much.

I need to do a major grocery shopping expedition so I can have some glimmer of hope that my husband and younger son will eat something besides pizza and sugar cereal while I'm gone. I don't have to worry about my older son any more...all he eat nowadays are plain grilled chicken breasts, protein shakes, baked sweet potatoes, pasta, and some fruit. I'd like to see him add some vegetables to the list but at least he takes vitamins. Beggars can't be choosers. He's come a long way from the days when he was living on Nachos Bell Grande from Taco Bell. It's inspiring.

I need to get my hair cut so I don't go crazy and try to do it myself.

I need to get my younger son a new Suffice it to say that he's made a decision to do something very difficult and I'm so very proud of him for making the right choice.

I need to get one of my four dogs to the vet for her shots and determine which of the other three is puking on the floor. I also need to try to sucker one of my boys into bathing and grooming ALL of the dogs because they're starting to smell a little "doggish" and I don't have the time, energy, or patience for this task right now. There's money it for whomever steps up to the plate.

I need to clean and rearrange all the toys in our parrot's cage so she'll be less bored while I'm gone. Don't buy a parrot if you don't have a lot of attention to spare. They're extremely demanding...and LOUD.

My car needs an oil change...and possibly new tires...and definitely new windshield wipers...and a wash.

My sister-in-law needs a ride to the medical center on Tuesday....lots of scary tests...I'll be there for transportation, comic relief, and moral support. It will be a long day for her...and me. Say a prayer for both of us.

And I need to pack!!

If I can live through the rest of this week, "Hell Week" at boot camp should be a breeze!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Have you ever...

been on a road trip that didn't involve TONS of junk food? I think there's a method to the madness. Most of the roadtrip foods we bring along for the ride have TONS of sodium. The more sodium we consume along with our Route 44 slushies from Sonic or our Big Gulps from Seven 11, the fewer stops we have to make in disgusting and often more than a little creepy roadside reststop bathrooms to pee. Based on this theory, I would have to guess that over the years I've consumed approximately several pounds of sunflower seeds, beef jerky (Holmes Smokehouse is the best), McDonald's french fries, and various and sundry sorts of potato chips per 1000 miles of vacation travel by car. Considering the fact that my next road trip is going to be from my home...just outside of Houston, Texas...all the way back to fat camp in Utah, I'm thinking that my modus operandi for road trip snacks probably isn't a good idea this time.

For those of you that are wondering, "Why the hell are you driving?!" amounts partly to superstition and partly to avoidance of the huge pain in the ass flying has become. Superstition because the last time I booked flights to camp I ended up having to reschedule multiple times. No, I'm not afraid to least not commercially...I'm not a huge fan of private aviation. Statistically, you're safer on a motorcycle, without a helmet, in rush hour traffic, than you are in a private plane. I am sick of paying fees to change tickets to different dates. And I'm sick of paying fees to bring my stuff with me. I'm also sick of having to show up early to leave late. I'm sick of teensy, tiny little bathrooms with pee and God knows what else all over everything and no hot water to wash my hands. I'm sick of bitchy flight attendants that are equally sick of all the same stuff. I'm sick of sitting next to chatty strangers that want to DISCUSS what I'm reading. I'm sick of being woken up to ask if I want a f*cking beverage. I'm sick of being squished into a space smaller than my suitcase if I have to fly coach or having to pay absolutely ridiculous upgrade fees if I don't. I'm sick of having not being able to bring my toiletries on board and having them spill in my checked luggage. I'm sick of all of it. Once upon a time, flying used to be a fairly pleasant experience. It isn't any longer. For those reasons, and the fact that I don't want to jinx myself out of this trip by booking flights, I'm planning on throwing my stuff in the back of my car, giving Onstar my destination address and hitting the road.

What am I going to eat along the way? My usual snacks won't work. I've been busting my ass...strike new trainer's been busting my ass (already sent me to the emergency room with a pulled muscle in my abdomen and made me puke more times than I can count...SHE'S AWESOME!!)...trying to get ready for camp. I lost 4.5 pounds last week. I don't want to undo my (our) hard work during a two day drive!! I'm open to suggestions. I'd prefer NOT to stop to go to the bathroom every thirty minutes. I'd also prefer not to deliberately dehydrate myself or have to wear diapers like that crazy lady that drove across the country to kill her boyfriend at NASA a while back. I guess it'll be what it is. Fruit? Protein Shakes? Do they make low sodium beef jerky?! Would the extra sodium for a couple of days really matter? I'm running out of time to figure it out...less than two weeks and counting...barring unforeseen circumstances...knock on wood and all that...and I'll be locked and loaded (just not crazy, seeking vengeance, and diapered!) and ready to roll.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I am dreading...

getting up in the morning tomorrow. I'm dreading getting up because getting up means ANOTHER workout session with the personal trainer I hired to help me get ready for my triumphant return to fat camp.

My new trainer's name is Danielle. She is tiny and perfect and could probably kick Jillian Michael's ass from here to next Thursday and back again. She's also a little bit older than me and has, get this, SIX kids. She used to be just as fat as me...maybe even fatter...and now she's got BUNS OF STEEL! Hear that, ass? The trainer with buns of steel is coming for you!

At any rate, I'm still dreading getting up tomorrow. I've committed to training 3 times a week with her from now until I leave. I have 5 more weeks at home before camp. That means I have 14 training sessions to live through. That's 14 more hours (at least...the first session lasted closer to two hours) of being tortured, made to cry, vomit and generally forced to realize how badly in shape I've allowed myself to become over the past few years.

I'm still recovering from our session on Friday. I didn't get too sore, but I did get a little sick. Hopefully, one of these days, my body will gain enough strength to be able to work out AND have a functioning immune system at the same time. I spent the whole weekend running a low grade fever and with a general feeling of malaise...sort of like I was on the hairy edge of the flu or something...just not quite there. I've had enough Emergen-C Immune Defense to disolve the inside of my mouth and slept most of the day today...and feeling mostly better with the exception of being tired. One way or another, my ass and I will be at the gym in the morning...just maybe without our bells on.

Barring unforeseen circumstances...

FIVE WEEKS from today, I will showing up in my SUV with all my workout clothes, my BodyBugg, my water bottles, my extra pillows, my brace for my right ankle, my brace for my left knee, my industrial sized bottle of Advil, my big tube of the magic anti-inflammatory gel the orthopaedic surgeon gave me, and my enormous ass, back at FAT CAMP in Utah....otherwise known as Real Life Fitness and Health.

I've elected to drive this time instead of flying out of sheer superstition. If you've been with me from the beginning, you might remember that the last time I was heading out to Utah, I ended up with a bout of pnemonia shortly before my trip. My airplane tickets were already booked and I had to pay to change them. Once I was well and finally made it to Utah, I got pnemonia AGAIN (gotta love people that are too inconsiderate and/or stupid to cover their mouths when they sneeze and cough) and had to leave early. It turned out to be a good thing that I was sick because the pain I'd been feeling in my left knee turned out to be a stress fracture and a meniscus tear....but, that being beside the point, it all meant MORE changed flights and more changed flight fees.

This time I drive. Period. End of discussion. (Sorry, honey, I know you'll be worried...but you're just going to have to suck it up.) Two days before I'm supposed to be in Utah, I'll throw all my crap in the back of the Acadia, call the friendly folks at Onstar, and be on my way. Simple.