Saturday, April 24, 2010

It would probably...

be a good idea for me to cancel Food Network and Bravo and the Travel Channel on my Direct TV package. I really, really, really, need to stop watching FOOD SHOWS. I prefer watching the Travel Channel, but lately, it seems that the Travel Channel has had just as many food shows as Food Network (Anthony Bourdain, anyone?)

When the Travel Channel isn't running food shows, it seems to be running those stupid "haunted places" shows. I went on a ghost tour in St. Augustine with my family a few years ago. It was dumb...not even remotely scary. I'm not saying that I can't be scared. Heck, I slept on the floor in my Dad's bedroom for about a month after he let me watch Poltergeist when I was a kid. Were you kidding me, Dad? I HAD one of those hideous clown dolls! I'm still scared of clowns.

But to the point at hand...if the Travel Channel had more shows about going to places where I'd have to be seen in public in a bathing suit...and less shows about "10 Best Places to Pig Out" that would be one thing...but it doesn't. The Food Network is a no brainer. And Bravo...well, the ONLY things I watch on Bravo are Top Chef and Top Chef Masters.

So, why is all this a problem? Don't get me wrong...I LOVE watching cooking shows. I love watching EATING shows. While I'm typing this post, the Food Network is on in the background. It's a show with Guy Fieri wannabe Aaron McCargo Jr. called Outrageous Food....a poor takeoff on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. They're making fresh ice cream right now. I would like some ice cream...RIGHT NOW. A few minutes ago they were eating really big sandwiches. I would like a really big sandwich right now too. Oh Lord, now it's Iron Chef! Battle Sturgeon!! See the problem?

From what I understand, I can't cancel these networks without cancelling a bunch of others that we watch all the time too. Even if I did cancel them, I can't watch any television at all without being exposed to a constant barrage of ads for food. Have you seen the new Carrabba's commercial? I love Carrabba's. I haven't been to Carrabba's in months. I think I NEED to go to Carrabba's tomorrow!

So, what am I going to do? For right now, probably nothing. What I've been doing for the past month or so seems to be working...slowly but surely. Sure, the shows and commercials induce cravings but I'm always going to have cravings. I guess I need to learn to fight them. When I can walk again, I'll start working out and working out helps keep the food cravings under control. When I can walk, I also spend a lot less time in front of the television so I'm sure that will help too.

Hey, Ass...getting scared yet? You should be. I'm figuring this stuff out. One step at a time.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

One more...

weekend of hobbling around on crutches!! Maybe. I have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon on Monday morning to find out if I'm allowed to walk like a normal person again. What I'm hoping NOT to hear is that I'm going to need knee surgery. That would suck. Yes, that would suck a lot.

I did some math this morning. Since I came home from fat camp, I've been losing an average of just over 3/4 of a pound per week. Not too shabby, eh? I know I'd be losing more if I was working out, but I'll take it...or leave it as the case may be.

I also know that I would be losing more if I were better at managing my stress levels. I'm slowly but surely trying to learn not to use food to self-medicate for stress. I've read all the suggestions: take a walk, take a bath, call a friend, read a book, etc. Sometimes, however, I just have such a crappy day that it seems like nothing but a plate of fried chicken with a side of macaroni and cheese chased with a giant bowl of ice cream will do the trick.

What gets me there more often than not? Probably having a teenager in the house...constantly stomping around and glaring at me because, of course, they know everything there is to know about everything and I'm a total and complete idiot. That'll screw with your cortisol levels!

Funniest thing about my stomping and storming teenager...little does he know that if he would only stop his tirades for a moment he'd find out that he's quite an inspiration to me. I've never met anyone with more willpower than him. Granted, he has some very interesting ideas about health and nutrition...but whatever he chooses to put into play, he does...completely and wholeheartedly. It's amazing. He's lost over 50 pounds since the beginning of the school year...eating primarily yogurt, lunch meat, and grilled chicken salads from McDonalds. If that's not will power, I don't know what is.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my prayers prayed that I'll get a clean bill of health on Monday. My stress levels are through the roof. I've actually started clenching my jaw so tight that it's starting to hurt. I'm not the only one, either; my husband was diagnosed with TMJ earlier today. So, what's my plan? Well, I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing...regardless the stomping. Hopefully, I'll get to start working out soon. I don't want to reduce stress with food...maybe a kickboxing class is in order. Somehow, punching things seems like a good idea.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

It's not exactly a "Before"...

and it most definitely is NOT an "After"...I guess I'd have to call this one an "In Process." This picture was taken of me the day I was getting ready to fly home from fat camp. I was sick and broken but still happy about the not insignificant amount of progress I'd made in the short time I was there. Can you tell a difference between this picture and the one were I'm wearing a grey t-shirt and brown shorts? I can. Just a little bit...but there's a difference. I've been doing nothing since I've gotten home besides sitting on my heinie, nursing my stupid stress fracture, praying I won't need knee surgery, and playing a lot of Farmville...but I'm still losing a little bit of weight every week. A little is better than none...or gaining, right? I can't wait to see what my next "before" picture looks like when I go back to Real Life (fat camp) again. Should be interesting.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Did you know...

that a small Dairy Queen Blizzard has nearly ONE THOUSAND CALORIES???!!! I sure as shootin' didn't. If someone had forced me to guess, I would have offered up a number somewhere around in the 350 to 500 range. ONE THOUSAND CALORIES!!! FOR A SMALL BLIZZARD!!!! That is so crazy I can't even begin to fathom it. What's worse is the number of times in my life that I've eaten, not a small...but a LARGE Blizzard...with EXTRA Heath bars (gotta have the extra Heath bars if you're gonna get a Blizzard!) mixed in. I don't dare calculate how many calories the large Blizzard clocks in at...just don't dare.

After being pretty faithful to my plan for several weeks now, I had a small Blizzard on Saturday afternoon. I ended up going over my calories for the day by...Can you guess how many? Yeah...just a little over ONE THOUSAND CALORIES! I felt sick to my stomach a third of the way into it but didn't want to waste $2.99 worth of trans-fat laden...ass expanding...extra Heath bar containing...(don't forget the limited time special caramel brownies too!)...creamy I scarfed the whole thing.

Live and learn.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Do you ever...

think something is ridiculously complicated? So much so that you're ready to throw it through a wall or flush it down a toilet in order to avoid trying to figure out how to use it? Well, that's how it is in life for me with nearly all things mechanical. The bigger the book of instructions, the more likely it is to bring me to tears and/or screams of rage.

So, you can imagine the fear that was brought about by my dear, sweet hubby buying me a BODYBUGG for my birthday. Remember my noble (but unsuccessful) attempts to set the loaner up while I was at fat camp?

The new BodyBugg is prettier than the loaner. Its monitor is shiny and silver and has a bright turquoise light. And it beeps when you push the buttons! I'm enamoured. I do love the idea of being able to use all of its exciting features.

But, once again, I open the box and find not one, BUT TWO giant instruction for the Bugg and one for the display...and then, of course, there's a whole other set of instructions on the internet for setting up the online program.

Tears and screams of rage again?? Of course! For a little while, at least. But guess what?? I powered through it!! I didn't want to hurt my hubby's feelings. He always thinks long and hard about gifts for me. (I really am the luckiest wife in the world. I'll never begin to guess how he puts up with my crazy nonsense!) He would have been devastated if I'd given up and stuck the Bugg on a shelf in the closet or ran it over with my truck.

So...after many hours of frustration, I managed to set up my online account...and then, miraculously, it only took me a few minutes to figure out which end of the black cord/plug/thingy stuck into my laptop and which stuck into the Bugg. I was able to charge it successfully...and even more miraculously, I was able to get the information I'd typed into the computer to travel through the black cord/plug/thingy into the Bugg so it would know important things like how fat I am and how big my ass is and how much I'm trying to shrink it!

I was also able to figure out how to get the Bugg off of the black cord/plug/thingy and install it into its arm strap AND get the pretty silver monitor thingy installed into its watch band. Are you impressed yet?

I've been wearing it for nearly two weeks now. It's keeping track of all the calories I'm burning...hopping back and forth to the bathroom with my cool walker. I've even had my coaching session with the BodyBugg professional that taught me how to use all the online features. (You know if they would just have a real person come help you get set up from the get-go it would save people like me a lot of grief!)

For the past couple of days, I've been using the BodyBugg program to log my food instead of It is easier to log food on the BodyBugg program...only because it seems to have more foods in the database. My understanding is that if you upgrade on and pay their membership fee (instead of being a cheapskate like yours truly and just using the freebie membership) you get a bigger database of foods. I just don't see any purpose in paying for both. I'm still staying on to use some of the other features though...especially the forums. The people on there are great and very supportive.

So, what's my point? Well, I'm proud of myself for gutting the BodyBugg setup out. Normally, I would have given up or smashed the damn thing with a hammer...but I didn't...and I've found it to be quite useful! Go me!

Friday, April 2, 2010

I met with a...

personal chef earlier this week. If someone had filmed me trying to hop up his walkway with my walker, it would have made a fantastic youtube video. I'd be right up there with the laughing babies and dancing panda bears and whatnot.

He works out of a house near a friend of mine's home but supposedly goes wherever you want him to go and cooks whatever you want him to cook. His girlfriend works with him. She's a master gardener. My greenhouse has been sitting empty in my back yard for a little over a year. I have lofty ambitions of filling it up with delicious organic herbs and fruits and vegetables. (Farmville neighbors, I'm talking about REAL gardening, not virtual's scary stuff!) Right now, it's full of empty shelves...and gravel. Maybe she could help fill it with edible things? What a crazy idea, right?

During our quick meeting, I went over the food preferences/requirements of everyone in my family. My oldest son has aspirations of being a pro-body builder and wants to cut his body fat percentage. My younger son needs to put on some weight (muscle mass) for baseball. My husband could stand to lose about ten pounds...but mostly just needs to eat a little healthier so his blood pressure and cholesterol and triglycerides don't get out of control. I don't want him to end up on insulin like his Daddy. And me, of course, I need to SHRINK MY ASS!!

I discussed our food preferences and followed up with an email. So far, I haven't heard anything back. I'm afraid I might have scared him off. I've been trying to figure out a way to easily feed everyone in my family without having to be a short order cook for years. I CAN cook. I've hosted Thanksgiving at my house every year since I was 16. My mashed potatoes and gravy are world famous! Well, maybe not world famous but certainly well thought of in my immediate family. (I can make healthy things too!) I'm just not good at organizing...particularly when it involves organizing meals for picky, picky, picky eaters with a bunch of specific requirements. Our default meal is pizza...because we can order three different ones and everyone will have something they like. That works for my ass, but not for my battle plan against it.

It's easy enough to change what I'm doing for me, but I would like to help my whole family get healthier in the process.

Personal chef guy...please don't be frightened! Give us a call back. I have faith that you can come up with some ideas! I'll do all the shopping (as soon as I can walk). I'll do all the prep work. Hell, I'll even do all the cooking! I just need to know what to make. On the other hand, you are welcome to do all of the above...just call...soon...preferably before I eat an entire box of Cadbury cream eggs in celebration of Easter because I can't stand up in the kitchen long enough to make anything else!!