Sunday, January 31, 2010

This time next week...

I'll be on an airplane on my way to Utah! Holy crap! I'm simply nowhere close to ready. Nope. Not ready to go at all. My husband's still sick as a dog. I've been fighting off the bronchitis pretty well, but I've had a migraine for the past two days that has totally put me out of commission. Stupid migraines. Stupid generic vs. brand name medications. They're NOT the same! (But that's a story for another post.)

So, I've got ONE WEEK to prepare for a month of fat camping...boot camping...belly busting...exercising...dieting..."zumbaing"...habit breaking...brain washing....whatever they're going to do to me.

Before I leave:

1. I have to figure out how to teach my kids how to do their own laundry without killing the septic system. It would also be swell if they could learn how to put out the kitchen trash and maybe load the dishwasher. I'm dreaming, but whatever.
2. I have to figure out how to pack a MONTH'S worth of stuff into two suitcases measuring no more than 62 total inches and weighing no more than 50 pounds each. It doesn't matter that I'm going to have access to a washing machine and dryer. Considering the facts that I can't carry on toiletries, I have to bring ski clothes (including my BOOTS), and my PILLOW, and several pairs of shoes, this is going to be a trick that defies all known laws of physics.
3. I have to kick this head cold and headache or I'm going to be useless when I get there.
4. I have to impress upon my children how important it is for them to keep in touch with me while I'm gone...just because they won't be seeing me at night doesn't mean that I'm not going to want to know how they're doing.
5. I probably ought to box up the Christmas stuff that's all gathered in my dining room. It will be February tomorrow. On the other hand, we really don't use the dining room that often. I wonder if anyone would notice if I just left it there till next Thanksgiving when we wanted to put it up again. Probably. Next year, I want to go to Fiji or something for Christmas and skip the whole decorating thing. It's fun to get things out but it sucks to put it all away.
6. Physical preparation. For the most part, I've been trying to eat better since I made the decision to take this trip. There have been some lapses, sure...but mostly. I'm wondering right now if I should do something hard core like go on a juice fast...or redo the Quick Weight Loss Centers prep (pretty much Atkins - one egg- one orange - all you can eat protein and raw green vegetables)...or if I should just keep doing what I've been doing and trying to eat lean protein, low fat, high fiber, low calories...OR if I should just say screw it and try to eat all the stuff I'm not going to be able to have while I'm gone. I could really use some pizza right now! They opened a GRIMALDI'S not too far from me!! Oh my God...It's not as good as the one in Brookyln, but it's close! Maybe if I WALKED there it would all balance out?
7. Mental preparation. I'm scared. I'm not sure how to get past that. I'm scared I won't be successful and this will be a big investment down the drain. I'm scared that I'll lose a lot of weight while I'm gone and then gain it all back when I get home. I'm scared that something horrible will happen while I'm gone and I won't be home to deal with it. I'm scared my family won't miss me. I'm scared that I'll miss them so much that I won't want to stay. How do I fix all that? I don't really know. I bite the bullet and go anyway...learn everything I can and hope for the best. Writing my thoughts helps me I'll keep doing that too. Maybe it will help.

I'm sure that I've got more major items for my "to do" list...but for right now, I'm going to go finish the laundry and vacuum and then maybe take a nap to keep my immune system pumping. I can hear my husband coughing from the bedroom...over the sound of the television and the dishwasher. Scary. Who would have told him to go to the doctor if I hadn't been home? Ugh. See what I mean?


Friday, January 29, 2010

SABOTAGED!! or was I?

Did I say I was looking forward to BEEF fajitas? I KNOW my ass was looking forward to BEEF fajitas! Well, what do you think happened? You guessed it!! My son brought home %$@#!! CHICKEN fajitas!! WTF? Why? We discussed what we were ordering...debated the fat content of various meals from our favorite local Mexican place...I thought we AGREED that he would bring home half beef and half chicken....but NO. The rotten little turd ball pulled veto power on his own mother and brought home all chicken. I'm soooooooo sick of chicken!!! Aaaargh!!!! At least the guacamole was good. ;)

For dinner tonight...

I'm going to have my oldest son (I have two boys...a 16 year old and a 15 year old...neither of whom have given me permission to mention them by name here...I'll have to's only fair...I'd be pissed if they were talking about ME on the internet!) pick up Mexican food on his way home from work. My ass simply won't allow me to eat another grilled chicken breast right now. We've compromised though...NO cheese, NO sour cream, NO refried beans, NO chips (well maybe just a FEW chips), only one tortilla, LOTS of pico de gallo, a little guacamole to make up for the cheese and sour cream, and a palm sized serving of fajita beef (about 3 oz)...Sound reasonable? Sound fair? It does to me...and my ass. We're both looking forward to dinner and that's a nice change of pace. It's been a very long and stressful week.

Yolanda on Dr. Oz

I just watched yesterday's episode of Dr. Oz. Thank goodness for DVRs, right? (I really should be using my sick day to get some chores done or something but I actually am feeling like a load of crap so it's hard to get motivated!)

Anyhow, Dr. Oz did a bit on aging...I learned that if I could reduce my calories by 30% (or was it 15%) or drink 180 bottles of red wine a night (or take some kind of supplement that I can't spell) I might live a whole lot longer. At least that's what happened to the monkeys. Poor monkeys. Why the hell would they WANT to live longer...locked up in miserable little cages for their whole lives? If I wasn't a carnivore and sitting on a gorgeous leather recliner right now, I'd totally join PETA.

After the aging thing was over, a woman named Yolanda showed up. She was almost exactly my age...almost exactly my size. The only physical differences between us were that she's black and I'm white and that her blood pressure was high (mine would be too if I was being tested on national television!) and mine's still ok. Yolanda's single. She just went through a divorce. She's been using her weight as a reason/excuse not to date. Ouch!

I went through a divorce too...a long time ago. I've been happily remarried since 2004. My weight's been up and down and up and down since my boys were born. I was thin until I was enormously fat while I was pregnant...lost some, but not all of the baby weight...gained some back...and so on.

Most of the weight that I'm carrying around now came on all of a sudden about 5 years ago shortly before I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I was already remarried at the time. I am lucky enough to have found a husband that loves me for ME! He can see me right through all the fat rolls. Amazing, isn't it? I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. He looks at me and sees me.

I identified with Yolanda, though. The weight is like a shield. If something horrible happened and my relationship with my husband didn't work out, I could blame my weight instead of taking personal responsibility. If I'm not successful in things that I want to do, I can blame my weight instead of taking personal responsibility. For someone who is constantly preaching personal responsibility to her kids, I've been doing a good job of avoiding it myself!! No more.

Ass, I'm coming for out!

Could FAT and GERM cells be COGNIZANT?

In the wee hours of the night last night, while I was listening to thunder booming and my husband trying to cough up one or both of his lungs, I developed a theory. I'm not certain if I could prove this theory in a laboratory, but, by God, it sure as hell seems to be the case for me.

The FAT CELLS in my ASS know when I'm coming for them!! I think they must have a way of communicating with GERMS in the air around me and sucking them in so that any time I'm getting ready to launch an attack against them I get sick. What the hell? Why are the germ cells so willing to cooperate? They're like desperate teenagers without a date to homecoming.

So here I am, ready to start the biggest war against my fat ass in all of history and what's going on in my house? My oldest son has bronchitis. My husband has bronchitis. In spite of taking massive quantities of vitamins, I can't breathe through my right nostril and my throat hurts. Everyone is coughing and blowing snot on me from every direction. If this isn't a conspiracy, I don't know what is! I tell you: the fat cells and the germ cells are planning something big but it will be a battle to the death! I'm not cancelling my trip...even if I do get SICK! So there fat!! So there germs!! Ha!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Another ridiculously unflattering picture...

I'm having to dig and dig for pictures of myself that I haven't deleted. For the past few years, I've been in charge of the camera. I have zillions of pictures of my kids, my husband, my pets, scenery, whatever...but I've managed to stay out of most of them. Sad, isn't it? I used to be such a ham!

Instead of...

skinless, boneless, grilled chicken breasts for would probably be a bad idea to order pizzas, wouldn't it? Sigh. This isn't going to be easy.

About as "BEFORE" as it gets!

My husband took this picture of me while we were on vacation on St. Croix. I was smiling in the picture and we had a fantastic time, but I KNOW I would have had a better time if I hadn't been lugging around all that extra weight. What fun's a gorgeous, tropical island when you're too embarrassed to be seen in your bathing suit without wrapping yourself up in a towel?!?

The VERY FIRST post!

Okey Dokey...I promised myself I'd start a "blog" so that I'd have:

a) a place to journal whatever came to mind about all this weight loss/dieting/exercising stuff


b) a place for my friends, family, and I guess total and complete strangers to come look and see what I've been doing, thinking, EATING, etc....and hold me accountable....therefore contributing to my ultimate success!

I'm leaving for FAT CAMP (otherwise known as Real Life Fitness and Health) in just a little over a week. I'm excited and totally terrified and very, very, very hungry. As a matter of fact, the more I think about the fact that I'm going to be out in the middle of nowhere...somewhere off in Utah in a house run by healthy, skinny, fit people (who are probably Mormons and will take away my Diet Mountain Dew! EEEEK!)...the hungrier I get!

Here's a list of some of the foods that I'm really going to miss, a LOT:

McDonald's french fries (aren't they just perfect?)
Wendy's $.99 chicken nuggets (embarrassing but true!) any form except the dark kind that's supposed to be "healthy"
"Real" salad dressing
Jalapeno potato chips
Fried wasabi peas
Haribo Gummi Bears

I could totally make a meal out of any or all of those things right now. Alas, I've been TRYING to prepare myself (albeit with a lot of lapses) for my trip...sooooooo I'll probably have some more skinless, boneless chicken breast and steamed veggies for dinner again. Yum. :/

This should be an interesting project. I'm going to try to post something frequently....possibly even learn how to put pictures on here as well.

Once upon a time, I was healthy and fit and had a nice firm tush that could be shown off in public!! For heaven's sake, I taught scuba diving....spent my days working in a BIKINI! It's my goal (in spite of the battle scars from giving birth to my two gorgeous boys....both teenagers now) to be able to be seen in a bikini in public again before my 40th b-day.

Join me and MY INCREDIBLE SHRINKING ASS on our journey....I'm certain that it will be an interesting ride!

Best wishes and happy travels,