Saturday, August 21, 2010

Have you ever...

been on a road trip that didn't involve TONS of junk food? I think there's a method to the madness. Most of the roadtrip foods we bring along for the ride have TONS of sodium. The more sodium we consume along with our Route 44 slushies from Sonic or our Big Gulps from Seven 11, the fewer stops we have to make in disgusting and often more than a little creepy roadside reststop bathrooms to pee. Based on this theory, I would have to guess that over the years I've consumed approximately several pounds of sunflower seeds, beef jerky (Holmes Smokehouse is the best), McDonald's french fries, and various and sundry sorts of potato chips per 1000 miles of vacation travel by car. Considering the fact that my next road trip is going to be from my home...just outside of Houston, Texas...all the way back to fat camp in Utah, I'm thinking that my modus operandi for road trip snacks probably isn't a good idea this time.

For those of you that are wondering, "Why the hell are you driving?!" amounts partly to superstition and partly to avoidance of the huge pain in the ass flying has become. Superstition because the last time I booked flights to camp I ended up having to reschedule multiple times. No, I'm not afraid to least not commercially...I'm not a huge fan of private aviation. Statistically, you're safer on a motorcycle, without a helmet, in rush hour traffic, than you are in a private plane. I am sick of paying fees to change tickets to different dates. And I'm sick of paying fees to bring my stuff with me. I'm also sick of having to show up early to leave late. I'm sick of teensy, tiny little bathrooms with pee and God knows what else all over everything and no hot water to wash my hands. I'm sick of bitchy flight attendants that are equally sick of all the same stuff. I'm sick of sitting next to chatty strangers that want to DISCUSS what I'm reading. I'm sick of being woken up to ask if I want a f*cking beverage. I'm sick of being squished into a space smaller than my suitcase if I have to fly coach or having to pay absolutely ridiculous upgrade fees if I don't. I'm sick of having not being able to bring my toiletries on board and having them spill in my checked luggage. I'm sick of all of it. Once upon a time, flying used to be a fairly pleasant experience. It isn't any longer. For those reasons, and the fact that I don't want to jinx myself out of this trip by booking flights, I'm planning on throwing my stuff in the back of my car, giving Onstar my destination address and hitting the road.

What am I going to eat along the way? My usual snacks won't work. I've been busting my ass...strike new trainer's been busting my ass (already sent me to the emergency room with a pulled muscle in my abdomen and made me puke more times than I can count...SHE'S AWESOME!!)...trying to get ready for camp. I lost 4.5 pounds last week. I don't want to undo my (our) hard work during a two day drive!! I'm open to suggestions. I'd prefer NOT to stop to go to the bathroom every thirty minutes. I'd also prefer not to deliberately dehydrate myself or have to wear diapers like that crazy lady that drove across the country to kill her boyfriend at NASA a while back. I guess it'll be what it is. Fruit? Protein Shakes? Do they make low sodium beef jerky?! Would the extra sodium for a couple of days really matter? I'm running out of time to figure it out...less than two weeks and counting...barring unforeseen circumstances...knock on wood and all that...and I'll be locked and loaded (just not crazy, seeking vengeance, and diapered!) and ready to roll.

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