Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I just began...

a long-winded and pathetically whiny post about how bad this year has sucked and how tough I am for getting through not only this year but all the trials and tribulations of my life and so on and so on and blahblahblah.

I deleted it before I finished.

As many of you know, I haven't been writing because life has gotten in the way. As much as I KNEW that I have to keep taking care of myself (and writing, for me, is part of that)...I had to actually DO it or I'm no help to anyone.

For about a month or so now, I've been doing it. I've been logging my food religiously. I've been wearing my Bodybugg and making a point to move a little bit more every day. I've been making the doctor's appointments I need to make to get the random broken bits and pieces of me fixed so I can function without physical pain. I have NOT been obsessive. I have NOT made it an all or nothing situation.

I am changing my life, permanently, for the better, one step at a time and it is WORKING! The pounds that piled back on while I was drowning myself in my food addiction in response to uncontrollable (Hi. My name is Naomi and I AM a CONTROL FREAK!) situations in my life are starting to come off again. They aren't coming off at a record pace, but the scale is showing a lower number each week.

The world around me hasn't changed. Life is still incredibly stressful, but I am learning to respond to it in a healthier way. I am also learning to look past all the crap and appreciate the good. It's a challenging path, but I'm rising to meet it and my ass seems to be falling a little behind. ;)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I just read back...

through the past year and change of my blog posts.

I was initially shocked and dismayed to see how many times I have REstarted my journey. I have gotten highly motivated, had some success, had some sort of set-back, (be it illnesses or injuries or whatever)...and then started the whole process again.

Right now, part of me is figuratively smacking myself on the forehead saying, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Why aren't you THERE yet??!!" There are so many television shows nowadays where I can watch people making amazing physical transformations in relatively short periods of time. I'd list them all, but it's really irrelevant and if you're sharing this journey with me, you probably know them all too well. You might be asking yourself the very same questions. Why aren't we "THERE" yet?

I can say, definitively, that I'm not there because I've been self-sabotaging. I have been allowing my ass to take the lead in stressful and painful life situations. It IS easier to sit down with the chips and salsa and vegetate than it is to get up and deal with what's going on around me. Taking the easy path won't get me where I ultimately want to go, but it is easy.

With all that being said, I've decided to give myself credit for all the REstarts. Being a REstarter is much better than being a quitter.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Hi! My name is...

Naomi and I'm addicted to food.

Isn't admitting you have a problem the first step in recovery?

Well, I've KNOWN that I've had a food addiction for quite a while now. Just like the worst heroin junkie or the biggest drunk, when life isn't going according to "plan" or stress gets to be overwhelming or I'm just plain bored, I tend to look first to my drug of choice, food, for the solution. When I'm upset about something and start eating, I can actually feel a physical release. It's almost like there is only so much room in my body...and it can either be full of negative emotions or food...but not both at the same time.

Those of you that struggle with the same issue KNOW exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't get it, don't try to understand. Just be thankful that this particular issue isn't yours.

I've been in what I can only describe as a state of mourning for the past few months. No, nobody I know died. Sadly, for the time being, however, I've lost them just the same. In order to avoid dealing with the current reality of this situation, I've been eating myself into a state of nearly catatonic oblivion. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true.

A couple of things happened recently that I think are setting me back on the right path (assuming I was ever on it in the first place.)

1. While browsing through one of the many magazines I inherit on a monthly basis from my Mom, I came across an article about food addiction. In the article, they recommended a book. I ordered it for my Sony Reader (like a Kindle or Nook). I was surprised to realize that the author apparently has complete access to my every thought.

Check it out:

2. Someone recently gave me an invaluable piece of advice regarding the depressing situation I've been dealing with. In a nutshell, they explained to me that I had two choices. Since I can't "fix" anyone's problems besides my own, I can either sacrifice myself to the dungeon of WAITING TO PICK UP THE PIECES of another person's broken life, or I can start living my own life to the best of my abilities.

I've chosen to start living my life again. It's cliche, but I can't truly be around to pick up pieces if I shatter myself in the meantime.

I believe that it's time to get back to work shattering the fat cells in my ass instead.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Well,'s time...

to fess up. My fortieth birthday came and went with a whimper instead of a bang. Needless to say, I did NOT reach my goal by the big day as I'd intended. I surely would have been here, tooting my own virtual horn and posting TONS OF PICTURES, if I'd made it.

Instead, for the past few months, I've been tumbling down the hill of my food addiction...gathering speed and mass along the way. I don't know if snowballs do that in reality (they certainly do in cartoons!)...but that's me right now. I am the tumbling snowball.

Every snowball needs a push to get moving down the hill. There are things that are appropriate to share in this forum and things that aren't. The thing that pushed me is one of the things that isn't appropriate to share. Suffice it to say that the best piece of advice I received recently came from my brother. It was a reminder that when an airplane loses cabin pressure, the parents are supposed to put on their own oxygen masks BEFORE helping their kids with theirs. Such a thing is easier said than done.

It's taken me a couple of months to realize that I'd really better get my mask in place before I run out of air. While my addiction would prefer to respond to stress by sitting on the couch, lost in "reality" television, mindlessly shoving whatever is handy down my throat, it's time for my MIND and my BODY to take charge again.

If I had stayed on track, I'd be back in my size 4 jeans by now. Instead, I'm busting out of the 14s! I know it could be worse, but it's a slap in the face for certain. Eating crap and not getting to the gym does NOT make me feel good...mentally or physically. I NEED to feel good about myself in order to help those around me.

The snowball can't stop its tumbling descent down the hill on its own. It either reaches the bottom or crashes into an obstacle that blocks its path. I'm lucky enough to be more mindful (at least some days!) than a snowball. I can put on the brakes and stop my own fall. I'm also blessed enough to have friends and family that are more than willing to reach out and catch me on the way down.

The climb back up begins now.

Climbing burns calories and tightens up those booty muscles it's definitely a win-win for me and a lose-lose for Ass!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

It's been a while...

since I've taken the time to sit down and write anything for my blog.

Why has it been so long?

Well, I've been busy.

Busy doing what?

Well, I've been busy EXERCISING!!!!

How's that for awesome?

It's true...since I gave up on the whole running thing and decided to focus on what I could do without hurting myself or my massively fried joints and ligaments, I've been feeling fantastic.

I'm doing strength training with Danielle (my personal trainer) on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. On Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I go to yoga. In the afternoon on Mondays, I take a class at my gym called "BodyFlow." It's sort of a combination of yoga, pilates and tai-chi. On Wednesday and Friday afternoons, I take a mat pilates class. My pilates instructor is fantastic. I'm getting ready to start taking a private pilates reformer class with her sometime on Mondays too. In between my morning and afternoon workouts, I do at least an hour of cardio...usually intervals on a bike or an elliptical depending on how my knees feel. I still walk on the treadmill, but I'm not going to try running least not anytime soon.

According to my BodyBugg, my burn has been averaging around 3000 calories a day during the week and about 2500 on the weekends. I don't go to the gym on the weekends, but I've been trying to get my family involved in more physical bowling and whatnot. I'm going to be taking one of my nephews on his first horseback ride soon. I also seem to have a never ending supply of chores. Did you know that you can burn upwards of 3 calories a minute folding clothes? I can. Pretty cool, eh?

Come on ass, we've got laundry to do.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

It has been determined...

INDUBITABLY determined, that I will NEVER be a runner.

Sometimes, the best thing a person can do to get where they're going is to admit they're lost and make a u-turn or stop and ask for directions.

I made it through the first week of the C25K program before my bad ankle crapped out on me. It was fun while it lasted. I've determined, however, that it's in my best interest to avoid the necessity of having the surgery my podiatrist recommended. Remember? I think I might have mentioned a while ago. It's the surgery where he replaces my "over-pulled taffy" ligaments in my ankle with ligaments that some dead person is no longer using. Gross. Gross. GROSS!!! Besides being a disgusting idea, the MINIMUM recovery time from this surgery is six weeks. That's six weeks being completely non-weight bearing...rolling around on one of those little carts. That's six weeks best case scenario. Considering that every time I've ever had surgery MY recovery time has been more like twelve times the best case scenario/average recovery time, all I can say to the whole notion is, "Thanks but no thanks!"

I prefer to reassess my goal. OK. I'm done. My goal of running a 5K is vapor. Gone. Poof!

Being able to WALK > Being able to run

In other news:

Tomorrow marks five weeks until I leave for my cruise. My weight loss has been pretty much stalled (not accounting for the 12 pounds I GAINED while I was completely out of commission with the vertigo) for a while now. I reintroduced a lot of bad eating habits while my fat ass and I were sitting around waiting for the world to stop spinning. When I was finally able to start working out again, I used all the exercise as an EXCUSE for eating extra crap. Great excuse, isn't it? "Sure, I can eat 2000 calories worth of pizza tonight. I burned off at least 300 calories on the treadmill this afternoon." Smart stuff.

So, like I said, I've got 5 weeks. I know how fast I can lose weight when I eat right. I've got my trainer's help. I've found lots of classes at the gym that I adore. I don't need to be able to RUN to get where I'm going. I do need to quit stopping to pick up junk food along the way! All those detours are making the trip take a lot longer.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Holy tough day at...

the gym, Batman!!

I did it! I started the C25K program this morning. I started in spite of the rain. I started in spite of the cold. I started in spite of the lack of ANY hot water to take a shower to help me wake up. (I guess cold water helps me wake up more than hot anyhow!) I started in spite of my demon ass telling me, "eat a couple Eggos with peanut butter and bananas and lay down on the couch to watch Comedy Central!"

This morning, I hauled my ass out of bed and was at my trainer's gym at 8:00 a.m. I USED to be a morning person, but lately, I've been wanting to sleep later and later and later. I think it probably has something to do with staying up at night later and later and later. I've got to get back on my normal schedule, but that's not priority #1 right now.

I had a full hour of weight training with my trainer at her gym, then I drove across the street to Gold's and hit the treadmill. Considering that it's been several months since I managed to do more than a half hour or so of cardio in one shot, I was terrified....but I went. I was trying (yeah, I know "trying" is a 4 letter word) to do the longer distance, 6 week version of the C25K program. It seems that there are several.

For Week 1 - Day 1, my instructions were to:

* walk "briskly" for 1 mile...then...
* run 2 minutes until reaching 3.5 miles...then...
* walk for 1 mile

I managed to:

* walk "briskly" (if 3.3 mph is "briskly) for 1 mile...then...
* run (more like lumber at 4.5 mph) for 2 minutes (in 30 second bursts) every 0.5 miles until I reached 2.5 miles...


I collapsed for about 10 minutes.


I took an hour long "BodyFlow" class. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Gold's Gym "Group X" classes, BodyFlow is a combination of taichi, yoga, and pilates.


I went home and ate the most massive salad ever with some of my trainer's yummy "unfried" chicken strips cut up on it.


It's everything I can do to summon the energy to type this post.


I'm hoping my husband will want to drive me back to the gym. (He committed to starting the C25K program today too!) I don't think my arms have the strength to steer. If we go, I will knock out at least another mile on the treadmill.

Judging by how much my EVERYTHING hurts right now, I can tell that this is going to be a long, tough, but VERY rewarding program.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I'm starting the...

C25K (Couch to 5K) training program tomorrow. While the normal program runs for about 9 weeks, I found one that's only 6 weeks. I'm going to try to do a combination of the two. The shorter program seems to put more mileage on you...the longer one starts with you jogging more...faster and sooner. Considering that I've realized that I can do just about ANYTHING for a couple minutes at a time, I'm going to push along with the shorter distances and move my ass a little faster. Why? Because the idea of walking/jogging/running/dying on a treadmill for upwards of an hour and a half a day is abhorrent to me!

I'm enlisting my husband to keep me company at the gym. I've told my friends that I'm doing this. I've told complete strangers on that I'm doing this. I want to be able to RUN when I go on my birthday cruise! I also desperately want less of my ass to be hanging out of my bathing suit. This program's going to help me accomplish both goals and I'm seeking out anyone and everyone to help me stay accountable.

Speaking of accountability...I've started emailing my trainer every day with a list of all the food I've shoved down my gullet. She's having some sort of contest and, technically, only wants us to email her when we do NOT screw up and eat things like chocolate bars and tortilla chips...but I'm breaking the rules and telling her about EVERYTHING I eat. It's the honor system, I know...and I guess I could lie and not tell her about the things that I should have stayed away from....but, dammit, she's tricky. I know she can look at my ass and tell if I've been eating I might as well preempt her and 'fess up.

Ass, you'd better suck it in. I already admitted scarfing 1/2 of that milk chocolate sea salted caramel bar yesterday. It's going to get beat off you one way or another.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I only...

ate THREE tortilla chips last night at dinner! Well, three chips and a fajita salad with no cheese, no tortilla "strips", no olives (never understood why a chef would think olives belonged anywhere near Mexican food), and no dressing!

I. Am. Proud.

I know it seems like a small accomplishment, but considering how far off track I've been for the past few months, it wasn't. I wanted those chips so bad I thought I was going to die. But, you know what? I'm still here and feel sooooooo much better about myself for my accomplishment.

Starting Monday, I'm going to be working out with my trainer, Danielle, five times a week. I'm not sure exactly what she's planning for the extra two days, but I am sure it will be PAINFUL and burn massive calories. My birthday is looming. I've got to kick this stuff into high gear!

Hear that, ass? You're getting ready to get kicked....hard.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

I'm finally getting...

back on track! I hadn't been tracking my food, or following the plan I laid out for myself, or even blogging about all the ups and downs, but I'm here now and DOING IT ALL! So what if I blew the first weeks of the year? Some lessons are learned the hard way. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm going to live for NOW...and NOW I'm knocking them out of the ballpark. I'm eating right again (if you don't count the bag of Cheetos I scarfed at my son's debate tournament this weekend.) I'm getting more much needed sleep. I'm back to work with my trainer, Danielle, and rapidly regaining the massive amount of strength I lost while I was out of commission with the #@$@! vertigo. Life, for the most part, is pretty darn good.

It's amazing how things fall into place when I get up off my ass and DO what I know I need to do. It reminds me so much of what I learned at fat camp. While I was there, I consistently lost between 3 and 5 pounds a week. I think that was a pretty darn good percentage for someone my size. (I could be a LOT heavier, you know?) There were some other people there that didn't hit the same numbers. Invariably, they were the people that "tweaked" the program...a skipped workout extra spoon of salad dressing there...and so on. They always had some sort of excuse about slow metabolism or whatever. I've used all the same excuses and know them much too well...but, as I said then and repeat now: IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT.

So, that's what I'm trying to do. In order to meet my primary goal, I have to lose an average of nearly 5 pounds a week (yes, I KNOW it's a LOT - but it's also very much within the realm of possibility - I'm already down 2 in the past 2 days!) between now and my birthday. I won't beat myself up emotionally if I don't get there BY my birthday, because I know I will get there...and soon. Regardless, I'm getting stronger and more fit every day and that's more important than the number on the scale.

Ass, you only THOUGHT you had me under the barrel. You were mistaken.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Well, THAT didn't...

work at all. I made the mistake of using everyone else's arbitrary "new life" start point as my own. I made the stupid "resolutions" at the end of the calendar year instead of saving them for my birthday like I've pretty much always done.

Unfortunately for my ego (and the size of my ass)...I set myself up for an epic failure from the get-go. Me trying to put my stalled weight loss on a RESTART while my in-laws are still visiting is like trying to teach my dogs to wipe their bottoms with toilet paper instead of licking them clean. It doesn't work. I've tried the former and discussed the latter at length with the dogs. The dogs just continue to look at me in glee or dismay depending on their doggy moods.

By 1:00 in the afternoon on New Year's Day, we HAD to go out to eat because we were running errands and Grandpa's blood sugar was low. (If watching someone give themselves insulin shots doesn't put the fear of God into you about your weight, NOTHING will.) I had no choice but to go with them to lunch. Well, I guess I could have tucked and rolled out of the moving vehicle when the decision was made, but that would have probably been an overreaction. I guess I could have ordered a glass of water and stealthily eaten the protein bar I had packed in my purse, but with all the outside influences at play, I caved. It could have been worse. I could have ordered the steak sandwich and fries that my ass wanted, but I didn't. I ordered a grilled chicken (I think they grilled it in a vat of oil??) salad with no croutons and no cheese and ranch salad dressing on the side. I used less than a tablespoon of dressing. I left feeling somewhat victorious for "tweaking" my resolutions to fit the circumstances.

Then we had to go to dinner. And then breakfast the next day...and so on. This festival of food consumption culminated last night at Olive Garden where, by this point, I felt like such a total failure for not sticking to my resolution to eat at home that I ate everything in sight...including, but not limited to a breadstick, three bowls of salad (with dressing and croutons)...and an order of chicken picatta with a side of cheese ravioli in a ridiculously creamy sauce. I was so full I nearly puked in the car on the way home and I've been up since about 4 a.m. with a horrific headache. The kicker is: I don't even really LIKE Olive Garden.

What's nice now, though, is the idea of eating out again right now repulses me. All I want to do is take my Synthroid with a giant glass of water on a nice empty stomach and go back to bed for about an hour. I'll make myself an egg white omlete when I wake up again...maybe have one of those DELICIOUS honey crisp apples too. Have you tried those? Soooooo yummy. Then, I'll hit the gym, help the inlaws load of the car because they're heading out today, and, perhaps, continue my "let's look at new sofas" shopping expidition with my hubby - or not - the last thing I really need is a MORE comfortable place to sit and turn into a pile of gelatinous goo.

Right now, I feel like a living example of the road to hell being paved with good intentions. At least it's an interesting journey.