It's the first day...

of the rest of my life.  It's the first day of 2014.  It's NEW YEAR'S DAY!

New Year's Day is the day that is typically used by most of us for making RESOLUTIONS.  We make big plans and set enormous, generally unattainable, goals.  We set ourselves up to fail.

I didn't do it last year and I'm not doing it this year.

Last year, I made a simpler resolution.  I resolved to work on being "better."  I worked towards being a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better ME.  I worked on smiling more and whining less.  I worked on helping others more.  I worked on being more appreciative of simple joys.  Of course, I worked on eating a little less and exercising a little more too.  I worked on all these things and they worked on me.

Last year, I followed through on my resolution.  I can't say that I was "perfect" but I certainly didn't fail.  It feels good to say that.  It feels good to be satisfied with my accomplishments - both small and otherwise.

This year, I resolve to do the same.

I just found out...

that I am not fat enough to be the next "Biggest Loser." Unfortunately, I AM fat enough to qualify for weight loss surgery. I don't even have to have a co-occuring medical problem such as diabetes or high blood pressure (thankfully, I don't - YET!)...I'm just plain old fat enough. I am seriously considering this option.

I've been trying to get my weight under control for nearly two decades now. I have bits of success here and there. I've gotten down to a healthy weight many times but never manage to stay there.

Just when I put out a fire...whether it be my own illness or injury...or dealing with something going on with someone I love, another starts. Just a week ago, I sincerely thought life was smoothing out. My husband and I were actually thinking a much needed vacation could be on the horizon. Then, BOOM!!!...I was hit in the face by the heat of another blaze.

I wrote a post a couple years ago about "re-starting" when I'd fallen off the healthy eating/exercising bandwagon and a couple of my friends took issue with it. I still don't know why. Isn't that what we do in life? Fall down...get up again...fall down...get up again? Keep repeating that process until we find our balance?

I've yet to find mine. I'm still looking.

I met someone recently whom I could identify with on a lot of levels. We're dealing with a lot of similar problems and feeling a similar level of grief about certain things in our lives. The similarities end there, though. While I "handle" my issues with food, she handles hers with running...not just any old sort of running...but competing in marathons and triatholons and such.

I admire her. She's learned how to channel all the hard times and hard feelings into something positive. I admire her and I envy her as well.

I realize that a lot of you sort of expect my blog posts to be humorous. I'm sorry if I've been dissapointing you lately. I'm just not feeling particularly amusing. Life's been hard for a while and I've been dealing with it poorly...only doing what I have to do...ignoring, for the most part, the things I want to do...shoving stress back down my throat along with bbq ribs and ice cream.

I want to break the cycle.

I HAVE to break the cycle.

I NEED help to break the cycle.

I wish I knew where to find it.