and counting...and I'll be on the road back to fat camp in Utah! Can you believe it? I can't. It seems like I just left there a few minutes ago. My knees are starting to ache at the very idea of living through "intervals!" I'm going to play it smart this time, though. I learned a lesson the hard way on my last trip and I'm not going to try to undo half a decade worth of french fries and chips and pints of ice cream during one morning of boot camp. First of all, IT CAN'T BE DONE!!! Secondly, getting injured sucks and just makes this process take all that much longer. See? I might be a slow learner, but I can be taught!
What do I have left to do before I go?
According to my doctor, I need to REST so I don't get any more sick than I've been.
Remember the mountain of clothes I cleaned out of my closet? I'm ashamed to admit that they're STILL in the dining room...gathering dust and waiting to be inventoried so I can give them to charity. I need to take care of that.
I need to clean house so it's not a TOTAL disaster when I get home...or at least so I feel better about leaving. My husband tends to keep things more neat than I do so I really don't have to worry too much.
I need to do a major grocery shopping expedition so I can have some glimmer of hope that my husband and younger son will eat something besides pizza and sugar cereal while I'm gone. I don't have to worry about my older son any more...all he eat nowadays are plain grilled chicken breasts, protein shakes, baked sweet potatoes, pasta, and some fruit. I'd like to see him add some vegetables to the list but at least he takes vitamins. Beggars can't be choosers. He's come a long way from the days when he was living on Nachos Bell Grande from Taco Bell. It's inspiring.
I need to get my hair cut so I don't go crazy and try to do it myself.
I need to get my younger son a new suit...today. Suffice it to say that he's made a decision to do something very difficult and I'm so very proud of him for making the right choice.
I need to get one of my four dogs to the vet for her shots and determine which of the other three is puking on the floor. I also need to try to sucker one of my boys into bathing and grooming ALL of the dogs because they're starting to smell a little "doggish" and I don't have the time, energy, or patience for this task right now. There's money it for whomever steps up to the plate.
I need to clean and rearrange all the toys in our parrot's cage so she'll be less bored while I'm gone. Don't buy a parrot if you don't have a lot of attention to spare. They're extremely demanding...and LOUD.
My car needs an oil change...and possibly new tires...and definitely new windshield wipers...and a wash.
My sister-in-law needs a ride to the medical center on Tuesday....lots of scary tests...I'll be there for transportation, comic relief, and moral support. It will be a long day for her...and me. Say a prayer for both of us.
And I need to pack!!
If I can live through the rest of this week, "Hell Week" at boot camp should be a breeze!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Have you ever...
been on a road trip that didn't involve TONS of junk food? I think there's a method to the madness. Most of the roadtrip foods we bring along for the ride have TONS of sodium. The more sodium we consume along with our Route 44 slushies from Sonic or our Big Gulps from Seven 11, the fewer stops we have to make in disgusting and often more than a little creepy roadside reststop bathrooms to pee. Based on this theory, I would have to guess that over the years I've consumed approximately several pounds of sunflower seeds, beef jerky (Holmes Smokehouse is the best), McDonald's french fries, and various and sundry sorts of potato chips per 1000 miles of vacation travel by car. Considering the fact that my next road trip is going to be from my home...just outside of Houston, Texas...all the way back to fat camp in Utah, I'm thinking that my modus operandi for road trip snacks probably isn't a good idea this time.
For those of you that are wondering, "Why the hell are you driving?!"...it amounts partly to superstition and partly to avoidance of the huge pain in the ass flying has become. Superstition because the last time I booked flights to camp I ended up having to reschedule multiple times. No, I'm not afraid to fly...at least not commercially...I'm not a huge fan of private aviation. Statistically, you're safer on a motorcycle, without a helmet, in rush hour traffic, than you are in a private plane. I am sick of paying fees to change tickets to different dates. And I'm sick of paying fees to bring my stuff with me. I'm also sick of having to show up early to leave late. I'm sick of teensy, tiny little bathrooms with pee and God knows what else all over everything and no hot water to wash my hands. I'm sick of bitchy flight attendants that are equally sick of all the same stuff. I'm sick of sitting next to chatty strangers that want to DISCUSS what I'm reading. I'm sick of being woken up to ask if I want a f*cking beverage. I'm sick of being squished into a space smaller than my suitcase if I have to fly coach or having to pay absolutely ridiculous upgrade fees if I don't. I'm sick of having not being able to bring my toiletries on board and having them spill in my checked luggage. I'm sick of all of it. Once upon a time, flying used to be a fairly pleasant experience. It isn't any longer. For those reasons, and the fact that I don't want to jinx myself out of this trip by booking flights, I'm planning on throwing my stuff in the back of my car, giving Onstar my destination address and hitting the road.
What am I going to eat along the way? My usual snacks won't work. I've been busting my ass...strike that...my new trainer's been busting my ass (already sent me to the emergency room with a pulled muscle in my abdomen and made me puke more times than I can count...SHE'S AWESOME!!)...trying to get ready for camp. I lost 4.5 pounds last week. I don't want to undo my (our) hard work during a two day drive!! I'm open to suggestions. I'd prefer NOT to stop to go to the bathroom every thirty minutes. I'd also prefer not to deliberately dehydrate myself or have to wear diapers like that crazy lady that drove across the country to kill her boyfriend at NASA a while back. I guess it'll be what it is. Fruit? Protein Shakes? Do they make low sodium beef jerky?! Would the extra sodium for a couple of days really matter? I'm running out of time to figure it out...less than two weeks and counting...barring unforeseen circumstances...knock on wood and all that...and I'll be locked and loaded (just not crazy, seeking vengeance, and diapered!) and ready to roll.
For those of you that are wondering, "Why the hell are you driving?!"...it amounts partly to superstition and partly to avoidance of the huge pain in the ass flying has become. Superstition because the last time I booked flights to camp I ended up having to reschedule multiple times. No, I'm not afraid to fly...at least not commercially...I'm not a huge fan of private aviation. Statistically, you're safer on a motorcycle, without a helmet, in rush hour traffic, than you are in a private plane. I am sick of paying fees to change tickets to different dates. And I'm sick of paying fees to bring my stuff with me. I'm also sick of having to show up early to leave late. I'm sick of teensy, tiny little bathrooms with pee and God knows what else all over everything and no hot water to wash my hands. I'm sick of bitchy flight attendants that are equally sick of all the same stuff. I'm sick of sitting next to chatty strangers that want to DISCUSS what I'm reading. I'm sick of being woken up to ask if I want a f*cking beverage. I'm sick of being squished into a space smaller than my suitcase if I have to fly coach or having to pay absolutely ridiculous upgrade fees if I don't. I'm sick of having not being able to bring my toiletries on board and having them spill in my checked luggage. I'm sick of all of it. Once upon a time, flying used to be a fairly pleasant experience. It isn't any longer. For those reasons, and the fact that I don't want to jinx myself out of this trip by booking flights, I'm planning on throwing my stuff in the back of my car, giving Onstar my destination address and hitting the road.
What am I going to eat along the way? My usual snacks won't work. I've been busting my ass...strike that...my new trainer's been busting my ass (already sent me to the emergency room with a pulled muscle in my abdomen and made me puke more times than I can count...SHE'S AWESOME!!)...trying to get ready for camp. I lost 4.5 pounds last week. I don't want to undo my (our) hard work during a two day drive!! I'm open to suggestions. I'd prefer NOT to stop to go to the bathroom every thirty minutes. I'd also prefer not to deliberately dehydrate myself or have to wear diapers like that crazy lady that drove across the country to kill her boyfriend at NASA a while back. I guess it'll be what it is. Fruit? Protein Shakes? Do they make low sodium beef jerky?! Would the extra sodium for a couple of days really matter? I'm running out of time to figure it out...less than two weeks and counting...barring unforeseen circumstances...knock on wood and all that...and I'll be locked and loaded (just not crazy, seeking vengeance, and diapered!) and ready to roll.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I am dreading...
getting up in the morning tomorrow. I'm dreading getting up because getting up means ANOTHER workout session with the personal trainer I hired to help me get ready for my triumphant return to fat camp.
My new trainer's name is Danielle. She is tiny and perfect and could probably kick Jillian Michael's ass from here to next Thursday and back again. She's also a little bit older than me and has, get this, SIX kids. She used to be just as fat as me...maybe even fatter...and now she's got BUNS OF STEEL! Hear that, ass? The trainer with buns of steel is coming for you!
At any rate, I'm still dreading getting up tomorrow. I've committed to training 3 times a week with her from now until I leave. I have 5 more weeks at home before camp. That means I have 14 training sessions to live through. That's 14 more hours (at least...the first session lasted closer to two hours) of being tortured, made to cry, vomit and generally forced to realize how badly in shape I've allowed myself to become over the past few years.
I'm still recovering from our session on Friday. I didn't get too sore, but I did get a little sick. Hopefully, one of these days, my body will gain enough strength to be able to work out AND have a functioning immune system at the same time. I spent the whole weekend running a low grade fever and with a general feeling of malaise...sort of like I was on the hairy edge of the flu or something...just not quite there. I've had enough Emergen-C Immune Defense to disolve the inside of my mouth and slept most of the day today...and feeling mostly better with the exception of being tired. One way or another, my ass and I will be at the gym in the morning...just maybe without our bells on.
My new trainer's name is Danielle. She is tiny and perfect and could probably kick Jillian Michael's ass from here to next Thursday and back again. She's also a little bit older than me and has, get this, SIX kids. She used to be just as fat as me...maybe even fatter...and now she's got BUNS OF STEEL! Hear that, ass? The trainer with buns of steel is coming for you!
At any rate, I'm still dreading getting up tomorrow. I've committed to training 3 times a week with her from now until I leave. I have 5 more weeks at home before camp. That means I have 14 training sessions to live through. That's 14 more hours (at least...the first session lasted closer to two hours) of being tortured, made to cry, vomit and generally forced to realize how badly in shape I've allowed myself to become over the past few years.
I'm still recovering from our session on Friday. I didn't get too sore, but I did get a little sick. Hopefully, one of these days, my body will gain enough strength to be able to work out AND have a functioning immune system at the same time. I spent the whole weekend running a low grade fever and with a general feeling of malaise...sort of like I was on the hairy edge of the flu or something...just not quite there. I've had enough Emergen-C Immune Defense to disolve the inside of my mouth and slept most of the day today...and feeling mostly better with the exception of being tired. One way or another, my ass and I will be at the gym in the morning...just maybe without our bells on.
Barring unforeseen circumstances...
FIVE WEEKS from today, I will showing up in my SUV with all my workout clothes, my BodyBugg, my water bottles, my extra pillows, my brace for my right ankle, my brace for my left knee, my industrial sized bottle of Advil, my big tube of the magic anti-inflammatory gel the orthopaedic surgeon gave me, and my enormous ass, back at FAT CAMP in Utah....otherwise known as Real Life Fitness and Health.
I've elected to drive this time instead of flying out of sheer superstition. If you've been with me from the beginning, you might remember that the last time I was heading out to Utah, I ended up with a bout of pnemonia shortly before my trip. My airplane tickets were already booked and I had to pay to change them. Once I was well and finally made it to Utah, I got pnemonia AGAIN (gotta love people that are too inconsiderate and/or stupid to cover their mouths when they sneeze and cough) and had to leave early. It turned out to be a good thing that I was sick because the pain I'd been feeling in my left knee turned out to be a stress fracture and a meniscus tear....but, that being beside the point, it all meant MORE changed flights and more changed flight fees.
This time I drive. Period. End of discussion. (Sorry, honey, I know you'll be worried...but you're just going to have to suck it up.) Two days before I'm supposed to be in Utah, I'll throw all my crap in the back of the Acadia, call the friendly folks at Onstar, and be on my way. Simple.
I've elected to drive this time instead of flying out of sheer superstition. If you've been with me from the beginning, you might remember that the last time I was heading out to Utah, I ended up with a bout of pnemonia shortly before my trip. My airplane tickets were already booked and I had to pay to change them. Once I was well and finally made it to Utah, I got pnemonia AGAIN (gotta love people that are too inconsiderate and/or stupid to cover their mouths when they sneeze and cough) and had to leave early. It turned out to be a good thing that I was sick because the pain I'd been feeling in my left knee turned out to be a stress fracture and a meniscus tear....but, that being beside the point, it all meant MORE changed flights and more changed flight fees.
This time I drive. Period. End of discussion. (Sorry, honey, I know you'll be worried...but you're just going to have to suck it up.) Two days before I'm supposed to be in Utah, I'll throw all my crap in the back of the Acadia, call the friendly folks at Onstar, and be on my way. Simple.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
There is a mountain...
the size of a bull elephant on my dining room table. It's flowing onto the floor and spreading out of the room altogether. The majority of the contents of this mountain came out of my closet.
You see, it's almost time for the kids to go BACK TO SCHOOL!!!! I was just at Walmart the other day, picking up some Kashi cereal bars, and there were aisles and aisles of school supplies...all shiny and beautiful and whispering the reminder that it's a time of joy and celebration. Back to SCHOOL is ever so much better than just about any other holiday...in my humble opinion. My older son has gone from 270 something pounds...wearing a TIGHT 38 inch waist...to 195 pounds...wearing a 30 inch waist. He NEEDS new clothes! My younger son has grown at least six inches in the past couple of weeks. He NEEDS new clothes as well! However, in order to determine exactly what they need (they've got to have some underwear or something that still fits, right?)...I make them go through their closets and pull out everything that no longer fits or is in some other manner unsuitable to keep. If they can swap stuff around, great. If not, I don't force the issue.
This year, I decided not to be a hypocrite. It was high time I cleaned out my own closet. Since my ass expanded, I've been living in a land of delusion...hanging onto the "skinny jeans" and various and sundry other clothes that I thought I might wear again. I'm not talking about stuff from just a few years ago when I was wearing a normal size skinny jean...I'm talking about stuff from...get this..."back in the day!" I know!! Crazy, isn't it? My goal isn't to have the body I did from "back in the day!" If anything, I'd like to have a BETTER body than that...healthier...stronger...more toned...not just thin.
So, I cleaned out the closet. Every single item of clothing that is too small, regardless of whether or not I think I might fit in it again a week from now or a year from now is going to charity. Every single item of clothing that is too BIG is gone too. I'm done hiding my fat ass under giant sweaters and, for the love of God, I made my husband promise to divorce me if I ever bought another VELOUR JOGGING SUIT!! I am too young and not nearly fat enough (enormous ass or no) to wear velour jogging suits. What the hell was I thinking?
The funny thing is that the majority of what I'm left with is...EXERCISE CLOTHES!!! Are you surprised? I'm not. That's really all I ever wear anymore. If we go out, dressing up consists of a "nice" t-shirt and khakis or jeans...and I still have some of those left that fit me now. I don't need to be going out very often right now anyhow. It's too damn hard to keep track of what I'm eating when I do.
I might go to Academy or something when I take the kids clothes shopping and fill out my current wardrobe with a few more things to wear to the gym...but, other than that, I'm not going to buy any more clothes until I hit my ultimate goal. When I do, my sweet hubby had better hide the American Express card...because my new skinny ass and I will be going on the shopping trip to end all shopping trips!
You see, it's almost time for the kids to go BACK TO SCHOOL!!!! I was just at Walmart the other day, picking up some Kashi cereal bars, and there were aisles and aisles of school supplies...all shiny and beautiful and whispering the reminder that it's a time of joy and celebration. Back to SCHOOL is ever so much better than just about any other holiday...in my humble opinion. My older son has gone from 270 something pounds...wearing a TIGHT 38 inch waist...to 195 pounds...wearing a 30 inch waist. He NEEDS new clothes! My younger son has grown at least six inches in the past couple of weeks. He NEEDS new clothes as well! However, in order to determine exactly what they need (they've got to have some underwear or something that still fits, right?)...I make them go through their closets and pull out everything that no longer fits or is in some other manner unsuitable to keep. If they can swap stuff around, great. If not, I don't force the issue.
This year, I decided not to be a hypocrite. It was high time I cleaned out my own closet. Since my ass expanded, I've been living in a land of delusion...hanging onto the "skinny jeans" and various and sundry other clothes that I thought I might wear again. I'm not talking about stuff from just a few years ago when I was wearing a normal size skinny jean...I'm talking about stuff from...get this..."back in the day!" I know!! Crazy, isn't it? My goal isn't to have the body I did from "back in the day!" If anything, I'd like to have a BETTER body than that...healthier...stronger...more toned...not just thin.
So, I cleaned out the closet. Every single item of clothing that is too small, regardless of whether or not I think I might fit in it again a week from now or a year from now is going to charity. Every single item of clothing that is too BIG is gone too. I'm done hiding my fat ass under giant sweaters and, for the love of God, I made my husband promise to divorce me if I ever bought another VELOUR JOGGING SUIT!! I am too young and not nearly fat enough (enormous ass or no) to wear velour jogging suits. What the hell was I thinking?
The funny thing is that the majority of what I'm left with is...EXERCISE CLOTHES!!! Are you surprised? I'm not. That's really all I ever wear anymore. If we go out, dressing up consists of a "nice" t-shirt and khakis or jeans...and I still have some of those left that fit me now. I don't need to be going out very often right now anyhow. It's too damn hard to keep track of what I'm eating when I do.
I might go to Academy or something when I take the kids clothes shopping and fill out my current wardrobe with a few more things to wear to the gym...but, other than that, I'm not going to buy any more clothes until I hit my ultimate goal. When I do, my sweet hubby had better hide the American Express card...because my new skinny ass and I will be going on the shopping trip to end all shopping trips!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
According to the...
scale at my endocrynologist's office, I have managed to lose a whopping SEVEN pounds in the past SIX months. I guess I'm happy that I didn't gain weight with all the crap that's been going on...but damn...I wish I'd managed to pull off a better number than that.
Oh well, what's done is done.
I am slowly but surely RE-learning how to manage my stress levels and keep them from causing me to shove food down my gullet like a half-starved oil soaked pelican. I am slowly but surely RE-learning how to get up off my fat ass and get more exercise without hurting myself. I am slowly but surely RE-learning how to keep track of the math and know that if I consume less calories than I burn I will lose weight.
I just need to finish "slowly but surely" RE-learning all this so I can get moving towards my goals at a faster clip. I'm going to be turning 40 in less than a year. I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day and, in addition to the Louis Vuitton trunk sized bags under my eyes and the deeply stressed and furrowed brow, I SWEAR I saw...get this...not just double chins...but CELLULITE on my neck!! How the hell did I get cellulite on my neck? I don't even have that much cellulite on my enormous ass (don't get any funny ideas, ass, I KNOW you're listening!)...so, how could it possibly be on my neck??!! I have no answer to this horrifying question, but I do know that it WILL BE GONE before my next birthday!
One step at a time...when I keep them up, sometimes they add up to 20,000 steps a day and that, my dear friends, is a LOT of ass burning steps.
Oh well, what's done is done.
I am slowly but surely RE-learning how to manage my stress levels and keep them from causing me to shove food down my gullet like a half-starved oil soaked pelican. I am slowly but surely RE-learning how to get up off my fat ass and get more exercise without hurting myself. I am slowly but surely RE-learning how to keep track of the math and know that if I consume less calories than I burn I will lose weight.
I just need to finish "slowly but surely" RE-learning all this so I can get moving towards my goals at a faster clip. I'm going to be turning 40 in less than a year. I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day and, in addition to the Louis Vuitton trunk sized bags under my eyes and the deeply stressed and furrowed brow, I SWEAR I saw...get this...not just double chins...but CELLULITE on my neck!! How the hell did I get cellulite on my neck? I don't even have that much cellulite on my enormous ass (don't get any funny ideas, ass, I KNOW you're listening!)...so, how could it possibly be on my neck??!! I have no answer to this horrifying question, but I do know that it WILL BE GONE before my next birthday!
One step at a time...when I keep them up, sometimes they add up to 20,000 steps a day and that, my dear friends, is a LOT of ass burning steps.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
A little less than...
one down (0.8 to be precise)...many more to go. I didn't quite hit the two pounds my bugg and I were shooting for this week, but I'm going to call it a success regardless. I still lost and thankfully didn't GAIN!
Success points:
* I managed to keep track of what I was eating...EVERY SINGLE DAY!
* I managed to get to the gym (only once but I was doing PLANKS - real ones!)
* I did my physical therapy on the bike on 4 other days besides the gym day.
* I had LOTS of opportunities to make some really bad food choices and passed them up.
* I had calorie deficits on days when I thought I was going to have
surpluses...just because of extra activity.
For the sake of not psyching myself out, I'm not going to call them "failure" points:
* On one day, I ate and ate and ate...and didn't exercise...and ended up with a
calorie SURPLUS of over 1800 calories!
* I used food, once again, to comfort myself during a stressful situation. I could actually feel the anxiety melting away as I scarfed down my massive plate of Chili's french fries. Some people have their alcohol, or their drugs, or whatever. It seems I have food. There, I admitted it. Hi, my name is Naomi and I'm a food addict. (Y'all are supposed to say, "Hi Naomi!" and welcome me to the meeting or something now.)
I miss being able to get up in the morning and drive to the beach for a swim in the ocean. That was a better stress reliever than a plate of french fries. Much better.
Success points:
* I managed to keep track of what I was eating...EVERY SINGLE DAY!
* I managed to get to the gym (only once but I was doing PLANKS - real ones!)
* I did my physical therapy on the bike on 4 other days besides the gym day.
* I had LOTS of opportunities to make some really bad food choices and passed them up.
* I had calorie deficits on days when I thought I was going to have
surpluses...just because of extra activity.
For the sake of not psyching myself out, I'm not going to call them "failure" points:
* On one day, I ate and ate and ate...and didn't exercise...and ended up with a
calorie SURPLUS of over 1800 calories!
* I used food, once again, to comfort myself during a stressful situation. I could actually feel the anxiety melting away as I scarfed down my massive plate of Chili's french fries. Some people have their alcohol, or their drugs, or whatever. It seems I have food. There, I admitted it. Hi, my name is Naomi and I'm a food addict. (Y'all are supposed to say, "Hi Naomi!" and welcome me to the meeting or something now.)
I miss being able to get up in the morning and drive to the beach for a swim in the ocean. That was a better stress reliever than a plate of french fries. Much better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)